It's been almost two months since the first panic attack.
Since the day I was diagnosed, I've experienced shock, fear, avoidance, and now a sense of calm and acceptance.
Sometimes I feel like these two months have stretched out like a year.

Friends who have seen me offline are quite surprised; they say, 'You are so outgoing, can talk, and don't look like someone who would get sick at all.'
I didn't believe it myself at first. The first time was on the highway; I originally just felt a bit uncomfortable, thinking I'd feel better after resting.
But things got increasingly strange—shortness of breath, rapid heartbeat, numbness in my hands and feet, my mind went blank, and I couldn't control the panic, a sense of dying took over my body.
The ambulance pulled me off the highway, and at that time, I thought I was just tired from scanning the chain, and a nap would make it better.
I didn't expect that a few days later, my emotions completely collapsed. I felt inexplicably repressed and wanted to cry. I had forgotten when was the last time I cried. I started to overthink and even had suicidal thoughts.
At that moment, I realized that I had a psychological problem.
But I still thought this illness was just fatigue, and that resting would make it better.
So I made plans with friends from the studio to travel to Mount Wutai.
Unexpectedly, before the flight took off, I had another episode.
Even after passing security, I kept thinking, 'What if the plane crashes?'

I was diagnosed at the Huiai Hospital in Guangzhou.
The doctor said I had 'anxiety disorder,' and that's when I truly understood what was wrong with me.
Later, I also went to Kangning in Shenzhen, and the result was the same.
P.S.: Dr. Li Qirong from Huiai is really sunny, haha.

During that time, I started to research this illness myself.
I used GPT to help me read literature and see cases written by others, slowly understanding that it was actually a common anxiety disorder.
After knowing the principles, I felt less afraid.
Because I realized that it wouldn't be fatal; it just makes you feel like you're about to die.

However, understanding doesn't mean it's easy.
At that time, I was still feeling particularly uncomfortable.
During that time, I went to Mount Wutai with friends from the studio. The mountain road was particularly bumpy, and I kept thinking, 'Will the car fall off the road?'
It was the same when driving on the highway; I would think, 'What if I have another episode on the highway? Is there anyone who can save me?'
These thoughts repeatedly appeared, making me feel very tense.

Later one day, I suddenly realized that no matter how severe a panic attack is, it only lasts for several minutes.
So let it happen; it will pass anyway.
I told myself: at worst, I would experience the feeling of near-death again.
It was at that moment that my thinking changed.
I stopped trying to resist it and tried to accept it instead.
I began to reconcile with that contradictory self.
I started to understand that this illness might not completely disappear. I might have to coexist with it for my entire life, but as long as I can understand it and allow it to exist, it won't be so scary.

I started to try to overcome the fears brought by being ill.
I was afraid of closed spaces, so I went to the cinema to watch movies;
I was afraid of being alone, so I stayed at home by myself, lying in bed;
I was afraid of taking the subway, so I had my wife accompany me for one or two stops;
I often repeated catastrophic images in my mind, like the feeling of falling from a building or a plane crash, because I had experienced the feeling of near-death. When these things appeared in my mind, they felt very real;
Sometimes, even seeing the railings at a height would give me the impulse to jump down.
The things I was afraid of before used to be things I quite liked. Isn't that strange? Haha.

I learned about Zhang Chaoyang's healing journey and understood the necessity of medication and psychological therapy. In the third week after my diagnosis, I began psychological therapy.
My therapist is a very gentle lady.
She looks quite young, but she said she is nearly fifty.
She took me to recall some things I had long forgotten.
That process was quite uncomfortable; every time I thought about it, I felt dizzy.
But after I clarified those memories, I felt like my heart was a bit lighter.

She told me that the brain will protect itself.
When certain memories are too painful, it will automatically help you 'delete' them or replace them with some gentler memories.
So sometimes what we perceive as anxiety and fear is not just about the present moment, but rather emotions buried deeply that haven't been processed.
They just come back in a different way to remind you.

Looking back now, the experiences of these two months are actually quite wonderful.
I thought I was completely broken, but I didn't expect that the moment I truly began to heal was when I stopped desperately trying to make myself better.
I started to allow anxiety to exist, to allow my body to react, and to allow myself to occasionally break down.

We who make quick money
Should not regard others' gains as our own losses.
Money is endless; you always think opportunities are infinite, and they really are infinite.